3C Counseling and Wellness LLC

An exploration of disconnection and reconnection to self

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As I started thinking about writing about disconnection from yourself, I noticed myself doing something familiar: wondering how it would be perceived.

“What am I supposed to say? What does a therapist’s blog need to sound like? What will other people think?“

Then I caught myself.

What happens if, instead of trying to figure out what I’m supposed to say, I simply start with what I know, what I have observed and experienced? What might I have needed to hear in the past?

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One of the questions I often ask clients, both at the end of an intake and as I wrap up a typical session, is simple: What do you need?

Sometimes the answer comes easily. Sometimes it takes a little more time. And sometimes the answer is, “I don’t know.”

I’ve come to appreciate that “I don’t know” can be a meaningful answer in itself. Sometimes we haven’t stopped long enough to notice what we need. Often we’ve become so accustomed to paying attention to what others need that our own needs have become harder to hear. However, sometimes we know exactly what we need, but don’t feel safe or comfortable asking for it.

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What makes this question so hard?

Disconnection from ourselves and our needs sometimes starts very early in life as an adaptation to maintain connection with others or basic emotional and physical safety. We learn to watch for others’ reactions, keep the peace, and mask our own feelings or needs to meet expectations or standards.

Families, schools, relationships, cultures, religious communities, and other social systems all communicate messages about what makes us acceptable, safe, successful, or worthy of belonging.

Children learn to monitor themselves based on external expectations:

Am I behaving correctly? Am I making someone happy? Am I being too loud? Too sensitive? Too much?

And eventually “What do I actually feel or need?” can become less familiar than “What am I supposed to do?”

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What does that look like now?

This adaptation becomes the thing that often leads to overwhelm, burnout, resentment and anxiety. You end up saying yes when you mean no. You override your body’s signals or are unable to read those signals. You may not know what you feel or need, or find yourself zoning out, dissociating, numbing, or losing interest in things that are important to you.

You may know what you need but don’t feel safe to act on it or to ask for it. Maybe you’ve been asking for help or to have your needs met, and were constantly let down or don’t know who to ask. Maybe you’ve been yelled at or hurt for expressing your needs, so there is a strong fear or trauma-reaction tied to needing something and it feels safer to just bury it.

Over time, you may become disconnected from your inner voice or it begins to sound like someone else—not because you chose to lose touch with yourself, but because paying attention to yourself may not have always felt safe, possible, or necessary.

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Reconnection begins with noticing.

“What am I noticing?”

And then:

“What might this be telling me?”

And maybe eventually:

“What do I want to do with what I’m noticing?”

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Let’s pause a moment. Put your hands over your heart. Lower or close your eyes if that feels comfortable. Notice your breathing. Notice any tension. Notice any warmth, heaviness, tightness, movement or stillness. Ask yourself what your body might be communicating.

Sometimes the first thing we notice isn’t an answer. It’s simply that we’re tired, tense, uncomfortable, relieved, angry, numb, or unsure.

You might ask yourself…

• What am I feeling right now?
• What is my body trying to tell me?
• What do I need right now?
• What do I actually want, separate from what others expect of me?
• Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I’m afraid of what might happen if I say no?
• What would I notice if I slowed down before automatically responding?
• What parts of myself have I learned to hide, minimize, or override?

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Maybe you don’t know what you need yet.

That’s okay.

The first step may not be answering the question, “What do I need?” It may simply be becoming willing to ask it.

You don’t need to have an immediate answer. Start by noticing what you feel, what your body is telling you, what feels draining or nourishing, and what brings relief or tension. This is information.

Reconnecting with yourself can begin with curiosity rather than certainty.

The goal is not to never disconnect from yourself. The goal is to notice when you’re doing it—and have the opportunity to choose differently.

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If this resonates, you don’t have to figure it all out on your own. Therapy can be a space to slow down, listen inward, and begin reconnecting with yourself.